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...before, have you? Well, you see, it takes an inventive mind to think of something different, sort of mind that could come up with TV programmes like Spitting Image, Blackadder, and not the Nine O'Clock News. John Lloyd is the man behind all those programmes. Indeed, we could have called his trip to Poiana Brasov in the Carpathian Mountains of Romania, not the holiday programme.

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♪ (ominous music) The Socialist Republic of Romania, population 23 million, once the richest province in the Roman Empire. This is modern Brasov, the second largest town in the state, lying in the shadow of the Carpathian Mountains on the edge of Transylvania.

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"Relax!" Ah, now this, this I think is probably the front for Socialist unity. Hmm, either that or the nightlife of Transylvania has come on a lot since I was a vampire bat. Not my idea of a typical night out behind the iron curtain.

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What happened to the stimulating lectures on beetroot harvesting machinery? Must have dropped off. And now the British boy lying a very credible 124th in the downhill here in Poyana, Brasov. This the man they call the Lone Wolf.

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Wolf because he's a bit hairy and Lone because all the other competitors in fact got down the mountain well under a week ago. And here he is, this errant coward from Chimingonga in Northumberland. Er, Essex, as my word, he spreads his legs and shows his class. And there's the big Canadian. Oh, no, it's not. Is that other weed again?

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And he scored! He has scored a puck in the dressage. And there's the bell! It's all over. [BELL RINGS] Eight o'clock. It was all a rather embarrassing dream.

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A leisurely hour and a half for a shower and a hearty breakfast before the ski lifts open. This is the worst part of the skiing holiday. Checking out the weather first thing in the morning. [FOOTSTEPS]

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[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC] [THUNDER] Huayna Brasov is not the highest or the most extensive ski area in the world, but because of its north-facing site deep in the Carpathians, it has an excellent snow record, and it's

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also unusually pretty and unspoiled. Well, I'm a bit rusty, so I'm going to need a couple of lessons if I'm ever going to achieve my dream of coming last for England. This is Emil, who's a delightful bloke, one of 120 English-speaking ski instructors in

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village which considering there are only 2,800 skiers in the whole place is pretty good. The great thing about this place is it's very short on posers. The one thing you won't feel on or off the slope is uncomfortable. (music)

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Right, enough of this skiing lark, time for a bit of a kip. Ah, Rubik's deck chair. Absorbing weight a while away in afternoon. Now I was going to take in a swift black run, the infamous wolf slope.

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But you know, on the other hand, I think it'll be quicker to take the chair. Ah, I wonder if there'll be any decent black runs in this place. These newfangled chairlifts are terrific. Huayana Brushel, 1,800 metres, two telecabines, one gondola, seven drag lifts,

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two green, two blue, three red and three black runs, and live music played for you at every meal. I'm due to meet the rest of the class for dinner. [music]

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The swan is at eight o'clock. [music] Must be all this garlic I've been hanging in my bedroom. [music]

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So, you wait 300 years, then four come along at once. We're off east to see the castle where Dracula used to hang out, through the forests of Transylvania, which as you can see are about as sinister as Santa's grotto in Harrods. Castle Bran, the weekend pied-a-terre of you-know-who.

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But it's only four o'clock in the afternoon, so with luck he won't be up yet. (train sounds) Er, no, on second thoughts, he's got the builders in, better not disturb. (music)

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There he goes out for a Sunday spin in his coffin. It's an efferage hatchbat. Sunday in Brasov. One surprise in this surprising country is the fact that religious freedom is not just tolerated, it's actually part of the Constitution. Romanians probably go to church rather more often than we do.

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Eastern Europe is still, after all, Europe. This could easily be Bavaria. But a Bavaria, thankfully, spared the horrors of huge men dancing around in hot pants. Nope, my mistake. [music]

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Ah. [music] Actually, though, the folk dancing's a lot of fun. [music]

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This bloke's a national celebrity. He makes commercials for tights. [music] Well, if you're not into long johns, there's plenty else to do. What about a midnight feast round a crackling bonfire in the woods,

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complete with authentic gypsy band playing "Those Are The Days, My Friend" and a theme from "The Godfather"? Well then again perhaps something a little more contemporary and detente-ish. Splendid. Just got time to take in a little glasnost.

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Aha! This is the ticket. Bats at last. Young scantily clad bats admittedly, but they can suck my neck any time. In Poyana Brasov you could easily take in a different show every night of the week. and all for 30 quid. And of course for the traditionalists there are discos too. There's

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swimming, skating, horse riding and langlaufen and of course the skiing. I've skied and fallen all over Europe but I must say that Koyaanabrashov is one of the nicest places I've been, especially for a beginner or somebody like me who skis better after lunch. There's good snow with no queues and no vampires. It's cheap, it's friendly,

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it's unpretentious, it's different, and as they say in Romania, "Foarte frumos" - very beautiful. And the best news of all, you can experience a Romanian ski holiday for just £169 in the low season, rising to £209 in the high. We went through Ski Ingham's. And skiing beginners also benefit from a special introductory pack which incorporates a daily four-hour lesson,

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higher-up skis and a weekly lift pass for £69. [BLANK_AUDIO]